100 millenia of attitude

Years later, as his soul was being absorbed by the necromancer, Ra Phee-Ki would remember the day his spawn-leader took him to see ice. He had been a mere pup of 47, and had already survived his first campaign against the Skaven. Hosay Ark'a-dyo Bwenya, a vulnerable scar leader, had been ordered by his Mage Priest to take a troop of saurus to the Chaos Wastes and report back anything he found living or multiplying there.

Ra was but a champion of a minor unit; nevertheless it was he who Hosay Ark'a-dyo Bwenya selected for the elite team mission into the heart of the dread lands. The veteran had prophesied that Ra Phee-Ki would start his life tied to a carnosaur and end it being eaten by ghouls. Feeling the shock of freezing winds on the barren plains after teleportation - the first time he had experienced less than 80% humidity or lower than 30°C - Ra Phee-Ki swore that he would never leave Lustria again. The team huddled around its Solar Engine like a flies on a carcass, pressing on into the endless emptiness for days on end.

Eventually Ra Phee-Ki noticed that small flecks of white were settling on his scales, and Hosay Ark'a-dyo Bwenya had to explain that it was not ash from a terrible explosion, but a form of horrifying frozen rain that made their unceasing march even more treacherous. Soon the stuff was so plentiful that Ra Phee-Ki was blinded and became separated. Within hours, he had fallen into a coma, with insufficient heat to invigorate his cold blood. As he faded from consciousness he muttered a prayer to Chotec, and was rewarded with what sounded like moaning.

Ra Phee-Ki awoke on a slab in a dark room within an enormous pile of masonry - quite a familiar and comforting sensation. The bindings on his limbs and the chap with the strange outfit (not to mention larger fangs than most humans tended to grow) were less encouraging. Pronouncing all his Ws as Vs, the assumed warmblood explained how Ra Phee-Ki would play a vital part in his experiments.

"Has anyvon ever told you to get a life?" he asked.

Before Ra Phee-Ki could answer, a huge bust of energy from the Solar Engine shattered the castle wall and Hosay Ark'a-dyo Bwenya leapt into the room, skewering the vampire with his obsidian blade, causing the latter to complain what a nuisance it was to find nice clean shirts these days. The two lizards proceeded to ransack the other rooms in the castle, finishing in the crypt, where they found other bodies, in various states of completeness, stored in boxes filled with an exceptionally strange crystalline substance. Tentatively, Ra Phee-Ki touched it, withdrawing his hand soon afterwards with a shudder.

"It's freezing," he said. "This is the worst invention of our time."

Centuries later, on the campaign to find the Naq, Ra Phee-Ki found himself in mortal combat with a cohort of undead guardians, lead by a suspiciously similar fanged gentleman. The necromancer was using the abundant magicks to siphon his soul, and Ra Phee-Ki thought back to that day when he had touched ice, trying to decide which of the two experiences was least enjoyable.

Mood: WHATHAVEISEEN

Listening to: Moaning, so much moaning

God most likely to sacrifice to: Chotec, god of the bloody Sun

Everything is different now. Not in any big sense, it's just all the little things. Like when we went into battle against the undead today, they were calling themselves a vampire covenant - a covenant?! What the heck is that? Now I've fought plenty of vampire counts before, counts I know and love. Well not love, obviously. Understand. Counts I can deal with, they're just energetic aristocrats, like a Mage Priest if they ever bothered to muck in. But covenants....yuck.

Then, when we were discussing tactics, Ra and I suddenly felt very strongly that we should try to keep as many of our banners in the centre of the field as possible. We've never needed to do anything like that before. And my spells, they essentially do the same things, but they feel all different! It's like we've entered some kind of new................age. That's what happens at the end of an age, right? Everything suddenly changes in super small ways for no discernible reason?

Anyway, whatever was going on, the battle was a disaster. The enemy had so few units that our skirmishers were able to effectively stop them from moving anywhere, but the one spot where we engaged them turned into a kind of never-ending death soup. We cut down their ghouls in an endless stream, only to find them raised back up more or less immediately. First, pretty much all our saurus were gradually consumed, as if they were being marched - slowly - into a shallow pool of lava. Then we sent in an enormous charge of two stegadons (why do I want to call them triceratops?!) and Reks, which hit home with the enormity that three gigantic dinosaurs typically command.  But still the ghouls kept picking themselves up and carrying on as if nothing had happened. By the end of the battle, almost all of our troops had been lost, while the enemy army had barely altered or, indeed, moved.

I blame myself. While Ini-Me’ni was casting, I suddenly felt the urge to aide his spell, which worked as far as it went, but when I then attempted to prevent yet more magical raising of undead warriors by reading a dispel scroll - something I do literally every battle - I found it was impossible. The whole thing was just weird and unpleasant...real magicalism. Let's just hope history doesn't repeat itself.

Faults in the stars

Ra Phee-Ki turned to his new priestly companion.

"Where's Zhat Tsiki?"

"My dear Ra, you have grown rather fond of old Zhat, haven't you. I always liked him too. One of my finest acolytes."

"Acolyte, eh? And who are you then?"

"They call me Tetto-Eko. Don't worry about Zhat, he just had some urgent business at the temple. How are the battle preparations?"

"The troops are deploying now."

"Ha! Got you! I know they're deploying. I have consulted the heavens. In fact, I can confidently assure you that your units on the left flank should advance rapidly in order to deal with immanent threats in that area."

Ra raised an eyebrow. Then he nodded to a lieutenant who exited the tent to give the order. "Any other advice you might have found in the...heavens?"

"Oh yes. The enemy army will be lining up about now in a regular and orderly forma-"

"Dwarves! dwarves! They're everywhere!"

A cry went up from outside. The sound of small but sturdy...and numerous feet marching in unison could be heard.

Ra burst out of the tent in time to hear another shout: "Vanguard! They're upon us!"

The mighty general grabbed the shouting warrior as he ran past, flailing. "You, soldier. What is this vanguard you speak of? Dwarves don't have vanguards, everyone knows that."

"And I would have seen it in the heaven's if they did." Tetto-Eko raised his arms and looked to the sky, his eyes glazing over.

"It-it's th-th-th" stammered the soldier. "Their whole army. It's one giant vanguard."

Tetto returned to reality. "Oh bugger," he said. "I may have missed a few things."

Suddenly the ground erupted behind them and a bunch of wee angry bastards burst forth brandishing axes as big as they were.

"Which one of youse scunners wants a guid kickin', eh?!"

Ra looked around. Tiny people made almost spherical by sheer weight of armour and weapons had descended on the lizardmen position much faster than the size of their legs would ever have suggested was possible.

"You know," mused the giant saurian, it's in times like these that I appreciate Tzu D'hoku's approach to military tactics." He clicked his tongue and was rewarded with the pounding of massive carnosaur legs. Leaping on to Reks' back, Ra gave an enormous bellow. "Skinks! Now is your time! Keep these little lunatics at bay! Buy as much time as you can! It's your only chance to fight someone smaller than you are!"

And madder than you are, thought Ra as the tiny brains of the skinks clicked into gear and they started swarming the ferocious Norsemen.

"Quickly now!" urged Ra, as he gathered the proper troops and roused the two gigantic stegadons, targeting the weakest dwarven formations first.

Despite the stampede of the ancient dinosaus and the havok that ensued, the dwarves kept hacking away with a seemingly endless stream of profanities. Ra could not find a way through.

"These little dickheads," he muttered. "So goddam stubborn. And why do they hate us so badly? How can an entire army harbour such grudges? Well, the old fashioned way it is."

Skink unit after unit was sacrificed to hold back the advance of the fearsome ironbreakers. Tetto-Eko hurled lightning and comets left and right. Eventually the dust settled. The ironbreakers looked around.

"Ach, waily waily. Everyone else is dead, lads. This is no' a guid sign a' all," murmured one of the elite warriors.

"Aye, but all o' them scaly bogles be dead too," pointed out another.

"Ach, weel...no' all of them..." said a third.

"RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAWR!" said Recks, flinging the body of their dead general at their feet and grinning toothily.

"Tha' looks like Thorogrod the Grim," said the first dwarf, looking from the 4-inch teeth to the 4-foot mangled corpse. "I once saw him kill a dozen dragons with nothin but his heid, ye ken."

"Aye. All that stuff about fightin' til the last man is guid an' all, but I heard as how they was doin two-fer-one at the local brewery. Who's with me!?"

A cheer went up as the ironbreakers went home to get drunk.

Death from the skies

Reks lazily flicked his tale. It slammed into a might oak tree, sending crashing to the forest floor.

"Can't stand these woods," muttered Ra from the dinosaur's back. "Nothing grows down here below the trees. Where are the swarms of lethal insects? The poisonous flowers? The herds of devastating stegadon? All you get here is a dank darkness that just makes you miserable. Plus I definitely get the feeling that these trees are looking at me very judgementally. Trees in Lustria are so much more forgiving."

"Perhaps we shouldn't be knocking so many of them down, my friend."

"Now Zhat, I've told you I'll have none of that superstitious thinking around here. It's not like there's an enchantment on this land that curses any trespassers to the fury of the woodland dwellers. Ha."

There was a restling in the undergrowth.

"Who goes there?" shouted Ra. He looked harder, finally spotting a chameleon skink blending in perfectly with his surroundings. "A yes, one of the scouts that went up ahead. Well? What do you have to say? And where are the others?"

It became obvious that the scout was in no position to give a full report. A handful of arrow shafts pretruded from his scales. Zhat Tsiki rushed up and clutched him in his arms.

"Medic!" he screamed. "OK, stay with me buddy, you're going to fine. Just keep breathing, don't leave me. Oh gods."

The chameleon looked lovingly into the Priest's eyes and raised a single claw to stroke his cheek.

"Elves," he said, and the light left his eyes forever.

"Noooooooo!" wailed Zhat, looking to the sky.

"Riiiiiiight," said Ra, after an awkward pause. "I'll ignore than uncivilised display of emotion for now, Mr Tsiki. Did the dead chap say something about elves? I thought we already beat them."

Suddenly arrows began to whistle all around them. Almost all hit a lizardman in an uncomfortable area.

"I say, do these elves seem somewhat more...accurate to you, Zhat?"

"Yes Ra," said Zhat, whiping away his tears.

"OK, everyone forward while there's still some of you left. Quickly now!"

---

The elven Queen surveyed the battle. She could feel the rage and anguish building inside her. How dare these barberous reptiles set foot in her forest! Summoning the depths of her emotions and magisterial powers, she chanelled a spell to guide her soldiers' arrows.

"By the power of the seven suns, by the light of Elendrihil the Fair, by the glory of the Forest that is and forever shall be, bring ruin and despair upon this our foe," she intoned menacingly, as magic began to swirl and build around her.

The ripples began to coalesce, and then they wobbled slightly and burst furiously outwards. The elves' arrows sped off their bowstrings so fast that they caught fire in the air before impaling a number of lizards, but both the Queen and the sorceress who accompanied her howled in pain. Further away, she felt a sister of the thorn cry out and expire.

"Ooop, sorry! Don't know what happened there," she muttered.

"Maybe go easy on the magical wind next time, dear," suggested the sorceress.

"Yes, you're quite right. I mean, I only used three wind-units worth of power, but it was much more than I was expecting. OK, this time I'll use two. Fly true, arrows of the wood elves!"

She spoke another incantation. Fewer ripples began to gather around her, forming much more pleasant shapes in the air.

"Good work my Queen, keep it up," said the sorceress cheerfully.

The Queen glanced up. Suddenly the ripples shimmered and a huge vortex of death sprang out of another dimension. With terrible cries of anguish, every one of the Queen's wardancer bodyguard was sucked into the void.

"Got you!" said the sorceress, grabbing the Queen's hand before she too could be consumed. "OK, let's just lay off the magic for the little while hun, what do you think?"

"Probably a good idea, my lady. I'll just go have a sit down for a moment." The Queen wiped her brow. "Don't know what's come over me. Well at least it's a good thing that we set up all our key troops really close together in this impenetrable area of wood. They can't get us in here, right."

A shadow passed over her face. She looked up at a rapidly growing shape coming from the sky.

"Comet!" someone shouted. "Run for your lives!"

"Oh bugger," she said. "This day really couldn't get any worse."

There was a roar as Mu'phas-a burst into the clearing, snorting and careering, with arrows sticking out all over his body. The Queen sighed. "Knew I should have brought my Moonstone." There was a huge explosion as the comet struck the elven position. Then Mu'phas-a charged.

Irresistable

"Unthinkable!" screamed Tzu D'hoku, unheard amid the thunderous sounds of battle surrounding him. His face contorted into an expression of such pure hatred it would have melted the face off a Tomb King. "When I get my hands on that Ra Phee-Ki, ooh.....Oh!"

This last exclamation was in response to a particularly vicious thrust from the snorting and careering gorebeast, which came within inches of the supreme Mage Priest's sublime leg.

It had not been a good day for Tzu. First he learned that his loyal lieutenant Ra had abandoned his post to join the side of the ingrate rebel offshoot of his mighty army. Then, just as he set off in pursuit, his somewhat diminished force was set upon by an army at least...oh, 25% bigger than his own.

Under a rampaging standard, the enemy cavalry, clad in huge, black, spiky and skull-encrusted armour and riding giant demonic mounts, had decimated the saurus blocks and stegadon on the left flank. While the saurus on Tzu's right had, with Mup’ha-Sa's devastating aid, managed to drive off a few chariots and bloodcrushers, their predatory instinct had gotten the better of them and they'd pursued a few stragglers far into the distance. Now Tzu was all alone, with the forces of Chaos closing in on every side, the most immanent of which was the merciless and frenzied gorebeast, who was currently demolishing the Slann's temple guard as if the giant reptiles were so much wet tissue.

It was ironic, mused Tzu, that these fine chaos warriors, with whom he frankly had more ideological overlap than most of his own species, would be the ones to put an end to his all his schemes.

Tzu blinked. That was ridiculous. NO ONE PUTS AN END TO THE SCHEMES OF LORD DHOK'U, he thought. Something would have to be done. He looked at his remaining guardians, gallantly stepping up to be slaughtered one by one. Time for some wise, fatherly words of inspiration.

"KILL THAT THING, YOU IMBECILES" he screamed. "SAVE ME, OR I'LL FRY YOUR INTESTINES IN COOKING OIL! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!"

He looked around. There was a pile of bodies, and a furious gorebeast that seemed to be taking a short breather, but was clearly thinking lovingly of the many ways it would shortly dash Tzu's bloated body to smithereens.

Two last temple guards got unsteadily to their feet, badly wounded but still impassively determined to do their duty. They felt a great blight on their souls begin to lift as the affects of the enemy's spells wore off. They didn't know it but Tzu's latest skink attendant had kept his head and was bringing about a harmonic convergence that guided their minds to think and see more clearly.

"You got any family, Staetz?" said one.

"Eh? I've got 561 brothers back in Hexoatl," replied Staetz. "You?"

"Just 317 brothers, myself. Small spawning. I wonder where they are now, and if they know I'm about to get eaten."

"Come on now, AJ. We can do this." Staetz tried his best, but the bloody corpses of their comrades made his words less convincing. "Hey, remember that time we fought the Rat Ogres in the Piranha Swamps? We got through that didn't we?!"

"Yeah we did get through that. We could actually hit the rat ogres though. This thing has some Nurgle mark or such. We can't even touch it."

"Nonsense. We've just been going about it wrong. Let's think about this sensibly, if we try and -"

"STOP WHITTERING AND KILL THAT THING!" screached Tzu dementedly beside them. Just then, the gorebeast lunged in its final assault. There was a blur. In a act of determination, bravery and unparalleled heroism, Staetz and AJ moved faster than they thought they even could. Silence ensued as they stared at the steaming body, two halberds buried in its skull.*

After a couple of seconds, Tzu recovered.

"AHAHAHAHA! YOU SEE?! THE FORCES OF TZU DHOK'U ARE ALWAYS VICTORIOUS! I'M INVINCIBLE!"

"You're a loony," muttered AJ.

"FORWARD, MEN!" continued the slann.

Tzu seemed to swell with confidence and surged, cackling, towards the enemy troops with little whisps of lightning flickering around his body. A powerful chaos sorcerer attempted to confront him with a spell.

"NEVER!" shrieked Tzu. "BOW BEFORE ME!" he began to channel magic in vast quantities, trying to suck the life out of the sorcerer. The latter resisted, and a small hurricane began to whip up around them as they psychically duelled.

"Uh, boss," said Steatz. "This is starting to look a bit dangerous..." Tzu took no notice, but continued to shriek like a maniac, his eyes full of the glow of power. Staetz looked at AJ. They both began to sidle away slowly.

In a final scream, Tzu's voice cut through the carnage. "I'M...IRRESISTABLE!" Suddenly there was a vast explosion. The two temple guardians, saviors of the lizardmen, were vaporised in an instant. The chaos sorcerer's body fell limply to the ground, a shrivelled husk dissolving to dust. Tzu grinned happily, glowing with the lifeforce he had just extracted.

"There, I feel much better now." He looked around. "Well, no more guardians, but hey, it's not like I ever needed them for much. Here come my saurus and stegadon, back in time to destroy the rest of the miserable warmbloods. Carry on, minions."

*After three rounds of combat, my TG had failed to do a single wound and the 25-strong unit had been reduced to just two. In the fourth round, the gorebeast proceeded to roll exclusively 1s and 2s, and I exclusively rolled 5s and 6s (even so, I wouldn't have killed it if the soul blight spell hadn't worn off.). Not that it did the poor guardians much good in the long run...

The sword in the stone outpost

Mist rose steadily from the banks of the river. The elven Loremaster attempted to penetrate it with his bright gaze, to no effect.

“A thousand curses,” he muttered to his lieutenant. “The reptiles must have known we were coming. They have have picked the field of battle to their own advantage, the scrolls tell of how they love to fight in river-infested lands. So much for a surprise attack.”

“My Liege,” said the lieutenant, “We have defeated the lizardmen with ease in previous battles. They cannot withstand our martial prowess, rivers or no.”

“It’s that kind of confidence that has been our undoing so many times. Tell the men to be ready for anything, keep a constant watch. There may be -”

He paused to listen to a far off sound.

“What was that, Master?” said the lieutenant, suddenly more worried. “It sounded like some kind of demon.”

The cry came again, but much closer - a shill scream slicing through the air. Abruptly, winged shapes appeared through the clouds.

“That was no demon!” Cried the Loremaster. “Terradons! Tell the men to take cover!” Even as he spoke the words, he began to hear the whistle-thunk of falling rocks. A good number of man fell lifeless, their helmets cleaved in by the impact.

“They’re behind the lines!” shouted someone. An elf manning the giant bolt-thrower slowly collapsed with a long, thin javelin in his throat. More cries went up.

“There! In the river! They’re coming from the river!” The airborn menace was forgotten, the ranks closed up to face the swarms of dripping skinks that were moving faster than could be thought possible, their impassive faces bent on death. Blowpipe darts began to whistle among the tightly clustered elves, coated with fast-acting toxins. “Damn skinks”, muttered the Loremaster. “They don’t line up and fight properly, you can never get them where you want.”

Then there was another sound, that of heavy footfalls. “Good gods!” wailed the lieutenant, “what is that?!” Hulking kroxigors could be seen loping among the skinks, the smaller lizards dancing around them in an ever-shifting pattern that gradually coalesced into a fighting formation. But the earth-shaking foot-falls did not belong to the kroxigor. The elves’ eyes moved upwards as a new shape emerged.

“ROOOOOOAAAARRRR!” said Reks.

“Take them, my lizardmen!” proclaimed the valiant Ra Phee-Ki, as the lizard lines broke upon the elves. “By the way, Reks, you know it’s generally more scary if you actually roar, rather than merely saying it. Just a tip.”

Skinks fell by the dozen to elvish steel, but the chaos of their attack, the crushing stokes of the kroxigor, and the devastation that was Reks proved too terrible a combination for the warmbloods to withstand.

“Fall back!” shouted the Loremaster. “Back to our outpost! Regroup at my stan-”

“That’s quite enough of that”, said Ra, matter-of-factly, giving the elven leader a solid biff to the back of the head with the handle of his giant mace. “You skinks, stop wittering and take this chap captive, we may need him later, especially if he knows who’s got my sword.”

He paused, looking around at the flocks of darting reptiles. “Honestly, give me some decent saurus lads any day, these little fellows make my eyes hurt. The rest of you, we’ve still got plenty of work to do. Forward!”

---

Mood: Encouraged

Listening to: the cries of the dying

God most likely to sacrifice to: Xapati, god of Vengeance

Honestly, the revered Lord Tzu Dhok’u going off looking for elves was the best thing that ever happened to our campaign. Ini-Go’s mobile forces have proven most devastating in these rain-soaked lands. First, he lead us to rout a whole Chaos battalion. And now a major victory against the elves, a long-desired revenge for the humiliation they subjected us to at the start of the war.

Ra told me how it happened. His scouts discovered that the elves had word of his coming with Lord Dhok’u’s army - the mammals apparently decided that a divide and conquer approach was preferable, and gave Tzu the slip, coming after us in the east instead. Ra got wind of the plot just in time, and raced off with Reks to warn us. Apparently he had to slip out of camp at night, since Tzu - in a predictably stubborn rage - had forbidden him to go. Thank gods Ra defied him, incomprehensibly wise and glorious though he may be, since without his arrival we would have been lost.

When we heard what the elves had planned, we were able to lay an ambush for them at a place where two great rivers meet. Ini-Go’s aquatic troops were perfectly suited for this terrain, although Ini-Go himself ran off before the battle in pursuit of some “five-fingered man” who apparently had killed his father. Ra was not used to commanding skinks, but his tactical genius still won through. It was not clean sailing, however, especially not when their terrifying Phoenix made another appearance. It set upon a group of kroxigors, ripping them to shreds with its enormous claws and talons, and then fell on one of the stegadons, Muph’a-Sa’s smaller mate, grasping the entire dinosaur in its claws, heaving her a dizzying distance into the sky, and dropping her to her unfortunate demise on our troops below. (Almost like what was once described in the prophecies…)

I cannot describe the anguish and rage that came upon Muph’a-Sa at this point. He churned the ground beneath him to mud in his fury, and with the most ferocious below I have ever heard, he lunged at the phoenix, impaling it on his long, razor sharp horns and trampling its feathers into the marshy ground. The devastating charge carried the beast into a column of the enemy’s finest glittering cavalry, who met a similar demise at the hands, or should I say hooves, of the furious stegadon.

On the other side of the battlefield, there was a slightly less fearsome display of fury, as the frail old priest Ini-Mehni was overcome by his orcish frenzy, and charged headfirst, all alone, at a group of at least twenty archers. Tiny as he is, his madness was such that he actually managed to fell one of the elves before they overcame him. Fortunately he was recovered at the end of the battle, battered but alive. While he is still tragically insane, he seems to have a new-found respect, or perhaps even fear, of the elves.

Meanwhile, While the last of the skinks were succumbing to the elven arrows or pursuing the enemy’s tattered regiments around the field, Ra all by himself stormed the stronghold where the enemy had made its final stand.

---

“Hmm,” said Ra, surveying the building. “I’m afraid this looks like a one-man operation, Reks old boy. The thing is made of solid stone, and the door is far too small for you to fit in. See if you can bash it down from the outside. Meanwhile, I bet you 100 ixti grubs that they’ve got my sword in there, and I’m damned if I’m going to let them keep it for a second longer than necessary. See you at the victory party!”

Ra leaped off the carnosaur, smashing the door of the building apart with a grunt. As the debris cleared, Ra looked around at the large numbers of battle-ready elves within.

“Right, who’s skull do I have to smash around here to get back what I accidentally dropped and then you took from me?! Hmmm?”

The elves looked at the one in a colourful robe, a low-level mage of some sort, who seemed more than a little afraid, despite superiority in numbers. Finally he summoned the will to speak to his troops. “Well? Don’t just stand there! Get him, you fools!”

Ra sighed. “Fine. I was actually hoping you’d say that.”

Outside, Reks could hear a commotion, punctuated by the occasional scream. He smashed his tail against the crumbling walls a few times, until one of them collapsed. Entering, he saw Ra admiring a huge, shimmering blade, cradling it lovingly. The bodies of the elves were all around him. Out of the window, the lone figure of the mage could be seen hurrying across the field in the direction of the elven territory.

“Roar?” said Reks.

“I told you it was in here,” replied Ra, wiping some blood off his scales. “Still had to kill this lot to get at it of course, stupid warmbloods."

There was a coughing sound.

“Someone still alive, eh? Well let’s just - oh, it’s Huan!”

Huan Dae’req-Shon, the scar leader, was leaning against a wall, barely conscious, arms and legs bound with thick elven twine. His crown was still fastened firmly to his skull.

“What the bloody hell are you doing here, old chap?! Gods am I pleased to see you. How are you even alive? You had about 50 spears poking through you!”

“Gnnnnnn,” said Huan, amicably.

“Right, right, sorry, questions later. I’ll have Zhat give you his finest herbal remedies straight away. Don’t worry, that’s the last you’ll be seeing of the elves for a good while, let me tell you!”

---

After the battle, I encountered Ra on the riverbank, gazing into the waters, as the elven standards filled the air with smoke.

“It’s been a good day. Got my sword, thank gods. Got me old mucker Huan back, the lads will be pleased with that. Showed those pointy ears what’s what…”

“But?” I prompted.

“But what?”

“You were going to have a but.”

“Oh it’s nothing. It’s just...I wonder what Tzu is going to do when he gets here.”

I wonder the same. If Ra hadn’t done what he did, the elves would have annihilated us. But that kind of logic doesn’t work for Tzu. He likes his commands to be obeyed. I just pray our venerable lord is in a good mood and has not been sacrificing to Xapati lately, as I was before the battle.

Of skink and man

Tzu Dhok’u’s left eye, which was accustomed to revolve slowly and dementedly in random directions around its socket, suddenly stopped moving. It joined its more conventional counterpart in opening wide, as surprise and awe covered the old slann’s face.

“Leave me,” he breathed.

Zhat Tziki and his jibbering colleague Ini-Me’ni began the long descent back down the wizard’s tower, leaving the Mage Priest alone in the rickety, cone-roofed attic room at its summit. Wind whistled through bald patches in the tiling and stonework. The whole tower seemed to sway slightly.

Slowly, Tzu began to move about the circular room. Its contents, he knew, would be worth a fortune in any lesser civilisation still crass enough to use currency. But there was one item in particular to which he was drawn...

On the staircase, Zhat tried to make small talk.

“So, you read any good plaques recently, Ini?”

“You saying I’m fick?!” shouted the frenzied priest, making a skinny fist. His eyes were horribly bloodshot.

“Just asking, dear fellow,” said Zhat with a reassuring smile. “Personally, I brought several of my favourite plaques for some light deciphering on my downtime. Learned my lesson. On the last campaign, I forgot to bring anything to read, and it got pretty dull after a few centuries on the lifeless plains of Kaltobi, let me tell you. Oh hi there Ini-Go! Glad you could make it.”

The two priests reached the bottom of the staricase and emerged into the tower’s large entrance hall. Ra was there, prodding volumes among the dusty bookshelves, along with the rakish skink chieftan Ini-Go and his inseparable companion the hulking scar veteran Fez-Iq.

“Ini-Me’ni! My eh-spawn-kin!” cried Ini-Go when he saw them. He spoke with a thick Tlaxtlan accent, and stood alert and engaged at all times, sometimes hopping from foot to foot. He had a rapier at his side and a dark streak in the scales above his mouth. “Do you have six fingers on your right hand?”  

“Yes, brother.”

“Thank goodness! I heard they horribly maimed you in the battle. Tis my great misfortune that I was not there to protect you.”

“It was merely his mind that they maimed,” said Zhat, gravely, as Ini-Me’ni drooled a little onto the floor. “He had a heinous encounter with the orcish god Mork, from which he was lucky to have survived at all. Of course, it might have been Gork, it’s so hard to tell…”

“Mweeeenerrrrrghhhhh,” said Ini-Me’ni, ruefully.

“Do you hear that, Fez-iq!? That is the sound of ultimate eh-suffering. My heart made that sound when the five-fingered man killed my father.”

“Kill!” said Ini-Me’ni, his eyes lighting up.

“You don’t have a father, Ini-Go. You were spawned,” said Zhat.

“He was my local priest. An eh-spiritual father.” The chieftain took Ini-Me’ni by the arm, which swiftly gave him a nasty jab to the face.

Zhat left the two skinks to take care of each other and approached Ra Phee-Ki, who was looking puzzled. He was squinting a book that he held a few inches from his face.

“These...light leafy things. I do not understand them. The room is full of them, yet they seem to serve no purpose. They have not even been sharpened - I feel they would fail to wound even the measliest of warmbloods.”

“They’re not for fighting, Ra, they’re for reading,” said Zhat. “You remember reading, I told you about it on the way here. Like what we do with the plaques in the temples.”

“Ah yes, by looking at drawings you are capable of gaining new information for tactical advantage and the easier destruction of your enemies.”

“Well, yes, perhaps. But you can also read things that have nothing to do with fighting. One of the most beautiful plaques back home has several million words simply about the splendour of the jungle when it was created by the Old Ones.”

“And what do you gain from such...’reading’? It seems futile.”

“You gain all kinds of things, my friend. Reading has brought me some of the greatest joys of my life, and profound understanding of the world we live in. But these are gains of the soul. Not everything in life is fighting and pain.”

“Incorrect,” stated Ra. “I have fought all of my life, in thousands of battles over a span of dozens of centuries. All the world is fighting. Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is chanting something.”

“You don’t have to call me Highness, Ra: Zhat is fine. I’m not a stickler for titles like our friend upstairs. But in all seriousness, I think perhaps you would appreciate reading - it might broaden your horizons. Let’s take a look at this book, for example... let’s see, it’s about, well - oh my gods.”

Zhat opened the book Ra had been investigating, and suddenly realised he was staring at an illustration of the Naq itself.

“Ra,” he said a little breathlessly, “send for my acolytes, tell them to bring the ritual offerings here this instant. We could be onto the Naq itself.”

Ra’s eyes widened slightly, but he remained impassive. “As you wish,” he said, with a bow.

As Ra sprinted off, Zhat began reading voraciously, turning pages almost by the second. Every word brought him closer to his goal.

A little while later, Zhat’s temple officiants had arrived and set up a passable ritual circle in the large hallway.

“Right, well the book says that the Naq was taken to the east of these lands many centuries ago by a rampaging warband. The exact location can only be discovered through spilled blood. Bring in the sacrifice!”

Zhat never particularly enjoyed this part of his duties, but at least this time he would be killing a filthy orc they had captured, and he felt it went a little way towards revenge for what they had done to Ini-Me’ni.

“Erm, you might want to hurry a little,” whispered one of the acolytes, as Zhat shuffled around the circle, humming along to the winds of magic. “The spell has to be done before sundown tonight or we won’t get another chance for who knows how long.”

“Son,” said Zhat, eyeing up the young skink priest, “you rush a ritual man, you get rotten rituals.”

Finally he felt everything was in place, and he intoned the enchantment with all due reverence. Watching from the sides of the room, Ra, Ini-Go and Fez-iq could feel the air suddenly become electrified as magic began to suffuse the circle. The orc’s blood, which had been collected in a wide dish, began to ripple slightly. Shapes started to form and spread, becoming a map. Slowly an arrow started to emerge. Zhat crept closer, peering over the edge of the basin so he wouldn’t miss anything that was revealed. Just as he thought he could discern where the arrow pointed, there was a screeching sound, and a huge circle of light appeared in air, blasting outwards to reveal the serene form of Tzu Dhok’u. Blood, candles and skinks flew everywhere.

“Evening, gentlelizards,” said Tzu contentedly, as the sun sank below the horizon in the window behind him. “Sorry I didn’t knock - thought I’d use a teleport spell as I really couldn’t be having with all those stairs again. Now, who’s got my Itzi grubs?”

Zhat picked himself up from the floor slowly, and tried to wipe off some of the orc's blood.

“My Lord,” he said, with a clentched-tooth smile, “How simply wonderful to see you. And how clever of you to think of such an ingenious method of descent. Why, the stairs would have taken you whole seconds longer at least, even taking into account the fact that you’d be hovering downwards rather than walking.”

“Exactly, my good chap. And you’ll never guess what I’ve found up in the wizard’s attic!”

“Could it possibly some ancient and vital relic needed for the furthering of the Great Plan, my Lord?”

“Um, well not exactly.”

“Ah, then it must be essential information for fulfiling our quest to retreive the Naq’otek-yotl’queztl’ra’tzui-huan’chipotli’zaq-khan?”

“Erm, I rather doubt it actually. It’s a soul harvester!” Tzu held up a strangely formed pot triumphantly. “Look, you say the spell in here, point it at the soul you want to harvest here, and then you torment it with this little button here. How great is that!? I’ve been wanting one of these for millennia!”

Zhat’s smile didn’t budge. “How nice for you, my Lord. I’m so glad your investigations in this treasure trove of knowledge and wisdom have been so productive.”

“Thank you, priest. Now, I feel like another battle, see if we can’t put this little beauty to use.” Tzu stroked the ancient artefact of pure evil lovingly. “We still have those pesky elves to sort out; I think we should go pay them a visit, what would you say, Ra?”

“Actually, sir, we have word that the Naq lies in an eastward direction,” said the oldblood, “although we do not know its exact location due to reasons...beyond our power. The best course would be to send the full force of our army that way, as we may have to deal with Chaos encampments that we know scatter the region. Besides, the elves are too stong, Lord. We would never survive another encounter.”

“Nonsense! you’re just saying that because no one ever has! And how would going east help us exact bloody vengeance, eh?” Tzu’s spinning eye began to twitch slightly.

“I think Ra’s right, you know,” piped up Ini-Go, earnestly. “Send me, my Lord. My eh-skink army is fresh and ready for battle. We will destroy Chaos wherever we find them. I will lead them eh-swiftly to the Naq itself.”

There was a pause, and Tzu seemed to grow slightly blacker. Steam started rising off his bloated body.

“Am I going mad, or did the word ‘think’ just escape your lips?” he shouted, eventually. “You think I hired you for your brains, you miserable, vomitous mass!? And you! Ra! You want me to send you back to where I found you? Unemployed!? In Greenland?”

“My Lord, you do realise that you don’t pay any of us to be here? We’re just your loyal servants,” said Zhat in exasperation.

“Insubordination! Enough of this! I’m going to fight some elves and you lot can all stay behind. I won’t be taking any of your silly skinks, either. Only the biggest and most ferocious warriors are worthy of the majesty of Tzu Dhok’u. If I’m feeling generous, I’ll save you some prisoners for you to snack on. Have a nice wait!”

The slann flew towards the door, which exploded with a flick of his hand as he approached. Then he was gone. There were screams in the camp outside as he passed.

“Great,” said Zhat, rolling his eyes.

“I have to go after him,” said Ra.

“I’d leave it a little while.”

“Perhaps. But you were right, Ini-Go. Your army must go east to find the Naq. Zhat, go with him. I’ll stay with Lord Dhok’u and send troops to aid you when I can.”

“I will see you before long, my friend, I can feel it in my heart,” said Zhat to Ra as he went to follow the Mage Priest. “I still have to teach you to read.”

Ra turned at the door. “As you wish,” he said.

--

Ini-Go looked up and down the battle line. There were skinks and terradons everywhere, sprinting circles round the massive, unnatural creatures they had encountered on their road east. Every now and again, the beasts would catch some skinks or terradons unawares and crushed their skulls to dust, but otherwise his fast-footed army seemed to be getting the better of this engagement. Fez'iq was leading a charge away to the left. He turned to the troops behind him.

“Amigos, hit them in the eh-centre where they’re vulnerable. I have business of my own to conduct.”

Ini-Go had spotted a man on horseback in the middle of the field, who appeared to have five fingers on his right hand. Of course, many of them did, but perhaps this was the one who had killed his father. The skink sprinted up to the Chaos Sorcerer, who was in mid-incantation to Nurgle and didn’t see him coming.

“You seem a decent fellow, I hate to kill you!” cried Ini-Go.

“What?! What’s this?!” replied the dark wizard, turning uncomfortably in his saddle and looking round the battlefield for the source of the interruption. He was clad in six-inch thick spikey armour with skull motif, and was struggling to get control over his demonic, pitch-black steed. Then he looked down. “Whoever you are, you’ll pay for this, you warthog-faced buffoon! I’ll boil your skin for my stew!”

He made a mighty swing with his sword, but the skink was no longer there. Suddenly he felt a small stinging sensation on his other side as Ini-Go’s rapier slashed at his leg. A tiny ribbon of blood appeared. “I’ll do you for that!” bellowed the sorcerer. “Come ‘ere!”

“Float like a butterfly, eh-sting like a mix-tlek’clthon insect!” sang Ini-Go happily as he danced around the large man’s clumsy strokes. “I see you are using Botelli’s defence against me, ah!? So naturally you expect me to counter with Capo Ferro!”

“What the bloody hell are you talking about, you insane creature? Ow!” replied the man, as more tiny skin-deep cuts appeared on the exposed parts of his body.

“You’re good, I admit it!” smiled Ini-Go, still jumping about. But the Chaos warrior was no longer looking at him. He was looking at the huge, snorting figure of Mup’ha-Sa, a ten foot wall of muscle, steel-like scales and lethally sharpened horns, getting rapidly closer.

“Aren’t you going to ask me why I’m eh-smiling?” shouted up Ini-Go, oblivious to the stegadon’s charge.

“Aaaahhh,” said the man, trying desperately to turn his horse around.

“It’s because I’m not left-handed! Ha-ha!” laughed the skink gleefully, tossing his sword to the other hand. The sorcerer kicked his horse into a gallop and hurried away. “Exactly so, you coward, run for your life!” cried the latter, jubilantly. He slowly realised he could no longer hear his own voice over the sound of the thundering hooves behind him. Mup’ha-Sa charged past in a storm of flying debris, overtaking the terrified Chaos champion and turning him into an inch-thick paste under his enormous weight.

“Yeah, take that!” said Ini-Go, a little less enthusiastically than before. “Fear the mighty fencing prowess of eh-skink chief Ini-Go!”